” I have nothing nothing left to say to, unless it’s about your laptop or your money” 

I cried out, please don’t drop, can I talk to you. “No I have nothing to say”. Please just let me talk, can I just ask you one thing… the phone was dropped.

Sitting in my uniform, waiting in the queue to cross the ferry on a busy Friday morning- I had never felt so lost in my life. 

2 years of love, adventure, lies, revelations, trust, apologies, building, hope were wiped out just like that. 

I had become nobody in his life, I wasn’t even afforded the last request of why? What did I do? 

I held on to all of the promises ” we will be fine, things will be ok in the end, be patient ” 

I held on to those words so hard that even when the facade started to slip, I still held out hope. You would bring me through it. You wouldn’t put me to shame, you’d do right by me. All my fears, everything I said came to pass. 

I thought showing him  I’d stand by him, would make him see it was love. 

I went to work, smiling, pretending, anxious and that day, he placed my laptop in the back of my car, no words were said. And I drove away from my love of 2 years like we were strangers . 


What do you, if the man you love, doesn’t really love you?

Heart breaking…. isn’t really the word. Feeling numb, has become the norm. I really thought that all theses years being apart ( ended in 2017) all of the relationships I’ve been in, my travels for a fresh start in the UAE- haven’t brought me the peace I have been craving.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as devastating, I’m able to function. I’ve been able to move forward with my life, but whenever I have been strong and felt like my head is healing- he comes back around. I fall back in love and then he leaves and we do the cycle again. He leaves everything ambiguous so I don’t know wether he likes or loves me. But that’s enough to keep me holding on even though I attempt to move forward.

And then we meet up (2 weeks ago) and I say I’m ready for us not to speak and he should leave me alone. He asks what I really want and I say he should leave me alone. For the first time in years I can see he is desperate, it’s probably the first time that I have made it clear that I’m kinda over this cycle of us seeing, intimacy but then it not actually being a thing. I’m over the heart break all of the time.

He said he wanted us to start afresh, get to know eachother- I’m not interested- we have known each other for over 6 years, he had a baby with someone else, we pretty much lived with eachother…. if we don’t know eachother now then what really are we looking for.

Anyways we had sex ( no condom). I did say I would need money for the morning after pill. But it never got bought.

He spoke with me candidly about all he was doing and experiencing. And it was the first time he told me he didn’t wanna settle. It caught me off guard as for years he said we would be together. I’m too old to wait, I’ve waited long enough.

I think I’ve proved myself. So it’s really done. And to reiterate that I’ll be changing my number.

Once that’s done he won’t be able to get back in touch with me. And it’s scary for me to cut off someone who I love so much, but when that love isn’t reciprocated what is left to do.

I know he has love for me- but not enough to be the man I need. He is no longer the man I want. I really hope I’m brave enough to go through with this.

It may plunge me into the depth of depression, but I’m tired of living in the delusion that he will come back on a white horse and whisk me away. I’m tired of secretly hoping every private or unknown number is him. It’s a double edged sword

years later and we are still here

Since our break up we have maintained contact. I still longed for him in a way he didn’t long for me….

I moved to the UAE to start a new life, but soon after being there I realised it wasn’t just for me. But I gained strength and was able to reflect on how my behaviour contributed in the demise of the relationship. I was able to understand where I had gone wrong and amplify the negative traits I had.

I was doing really well when I got back- I still loved and needed him but I understood we wouldn’t be a good match and I would always feel I wasn’t enough for him.

Then my dad passed ( not covid related) and that spun me into a world of loneliness- we wernt close but it was still a loss- u don’t think your parents will ever die… well not until they are really old.

He used that as a way of sending his condolences and wanting to see me. I relented… we ended up spending 2 weeks together… it was good- he opened up to me in a way that he had never before. I felt a change in him… I think that change stems from him realising I’m ready to let him go.

He was open and honest and for the first time he said he didn’t ever see himself settling down- he was kids but doesn’t want to be married. That was a humble shock for me. For the last 4 years he has always told me I should be patient and in later life things would happen. It felt like a loss all over again but something I was finally ready to accept. I’m 32 now, no kids, I want to have a child with someone who believe in monogamy.

I thanked him for finally being honest as it was the first step of me really moving on. I have always allowed his silence on not addressing things, meant that I was able to assume or make up what it meant. But you can’t really argue with a man saying he doesn’t want to be married or settle. He said he was still young (he is also 32). He is partying in South Africa, Amsterdam, Lagos etc. He is living a rock and roll (or hip hop) life style.

I know what it was dating him when he was stable and had no money and I already felt pushed out. Them times he was at least pretending to settle.

So I blocked him. From what’s app, on my iPhone… from everything. And then a few days later my period calendar notified me “ your 3 days late… have u forgot to mark your period on your app” did a test …… postive. 5 years later, I’m having an abortion for the same man. And 5 years on we are still no where. Anyways I’ve skipped lots of chapters in this. I’ve not posted in years. I’m better… still broken tho. But I will go back in history and bring you up to speed of what happened in my life.

Thanks for sticking around x

17.09.2018- letter to my ex.

What can I say, that I haven’t expressed to you. I never in my life loved a man the way I loved you. With no shame, with no conditions, fiercely, with such hunger and need. It’s not something I tell my friends- I know they don’t want to hear about us, or you. They nurses me through some turbulent times which they won’t forgive you for – but I’ve forgiven you.

Because I can’t say that I love you truly, and deeply if I haven’t forgiven you.

But I accept that we will never be together. I love you but your betrayal cut just al little to deep, the shame just a little to public and the fallout just a bit too deep.

Even after things ended and u made it clear u didn’t want me- I held my breathe for months thinking you’d be back for me. Xmas 2017 came and went and I didn’t hear from you. I now know you spent it with ur new family.

I know you think maybe there is a way we will be together, but I know deep down our ship has sailed.

The shame and embarrassment, my shattered ego, my fragile mental state. You did nothing to soothe my broken heart, u did nothing to help me heal.

I realise now, relationships are NOT just about love and happiness- love is volatile, and so is happiness.

Our love was crazy, dramatic, deceitful, manipulative, happy, sorrowful, needy but it was never peaceful. Peace never reigned in our relationship.

And that’s what I need but that’s not what our love can ever be.

You will always be the boy who I loved boundlessly and with no boundaries.

But our love was dangerous and all consuming, and selfish.

I need peace.


1 year later!

You know, I can’t believe a whole year has gone by since my whole world broke apart.

it is still pretty painful for me- but I had to make a conscious decision to NOT dwell on the negative. Not linger in my feelings.

After everything happened I continued to work and act like nothing happened.

I was going to work, after drinking a bottle of wine every night. I wasn’t bathing, I wasn’t doing my hair, sometimes crying in between seeing clients (I work i healthcare) but I still ssoldiered through.

Then 3 months later I literally crashed. I was signed off for 3 months.

I was a mess, completely anxious and not coping.

I still kept my ex’s dads Instagram and I was stalking it every day, he would upload pics of his grandchild and it really broke me. But it was the only way I felt connected to my ex.

There is is so much to say but the main thing is I’m better. I’m living and I’m enjoying aspects of my life and socialising.

My anxiety and shame has subsided but there are still places I don’t go as they are a harsh reminder of my loss.

I’ve not cooked in my house since the relationship ended. Lots of things feel really painful.

But im better


” a murderer will kill you, a thief will steal from you, but you’ll never know where you stand with a liar….”

I just cannot stop thinking. Most of the day is consumed with thoughts of him. I’ll be at work talking to a client, mid conversation and start thinking of him and then I’ll become all confused and completely have to start again. I keep thinking my clients must think, who is this dumb girl, but they smile through the consultation, as eager as I am for it to finish and for us both to go home. 

I think I’m doing better, I’m accepting it then I feel a moment of dread and I remember that he doesn’t want me. 

How can someone I gave my heart to, my life, my love, my finances just walk out of my life without even a glance back. Without even checking that I’m ok. 

When we first met I didn’t have much savings. I think I had about £1500 but I never told him. He would ask me to borrow him £1000 here and at times I was borrowing this man my whole life savings. Everything I had I gave to him, when I was paid ,  towards the end of our relationship, he had some serious cash flow problems. I would give him money on my pay day to support him.. I would forgo buying clothes, buying Brazilian hair and making extravagant purchases because I was lending/giving him quite a bit of money. I borrowed him money to pay his rent, help his family etc. 

I cannot believe he knows all of the ways I’ve supported him and he can turn his back on me. 

I used to say to him, I don’t need your money, I can support myself, heck if need be I can support you too- I just need your loyalty, honesty and emotional support. I said, there is nothing in this world I won’t forgive you for if your honest with me, boy you know it, I love you too much to not forgive you for your mistakes- but I just need you to be honest. 

I prayed to God, lord- give me a loyal man, lord please give me a loyal man, but if you can’t give me that please give me an honest man- give me a man that won’t lie to my face, give me a man that when the shit hits the fan, he will be honest with me because he cannot bare to loose me over a lie, he cannot bare to lie sweetly to my face. Loosing me over a lie is something he is not prepared to do. 

He has kissed me and my body, with the same sweet mouth he has lied to me with. He has stared me dead in the eyes with those beautiful dark eyes, and lied lied lied. 

I’m not saying I never ever lie, but in relationships I believe they are built on truth, sometimes painful truth, but with honesty comes redemption, with redemption maturity and trust. I have such fear about him finding out I’d lied to him that I was always honest when he asked me anything, yes sometimes it was embarrassing and I felt shame- but a liar was something he could never call me….

A murderer will kill you, a thief will steal from you but you’ll never know where you stand with a liar 

I repeatedly said, please don’t make a fool out of me, please don’t lie, I can never forget him saying “come on baby, i would never”. And I was satisfied- because why would someone I had been there for betray me again, he knew he’d broken my heart- he wouldn’t do it again. No one can be that callous. Can they? Right? 

He could have walked away- I made it clear our relationship was a choice, but there was no half having him, half not- if he wants me fine, but he doesn’t fine. I wish he’d just walked away, I wish he’d been selfless enough to have walked away from me. And I wish he’d have had the heart to say sorry for what he has put me through. 

I’m somebody’s daughter too. 

” you think I don’t care- I know you slept with ******, I could have left you along time ago….” 

In my younger years I partied quite a bit. My best friend loved to party and I was her side kick. I’d say I’m quite cute and men fawned over me and I loved the attention. I dated quite a bit and dabbled slightly in drugs and drink. But I kinda stopped going out when I hit 25/26. 

By my own admission I made mistakes and made some poor choices/decisions of the men I dated. I think back then, I had issues with loneliness and to occupy my time I just dated ( but that’s a story for a different post!) 

At the begging of our relationship I was always quite bold, I was always quite opinionated and forthright. I voiced how I felt about the relationship and didn’t filter. I wasn’t really happy. 

We were really quite different, ihadnt really dated anyone so quiet and it made me feel quite unsure of myself. I was used to men who were overly affectionate, opinionated and loud like me. I had always been with men who were quite vocal so I knew exactly where I stood. But with him he was always so quiet- we never really argued because he was just mute during confrontations. 

We broke up a few times in our relationship but during this particular break up it went very differently. This was before the baby. Oct 2016

We were in my house, on my bed and I think I was crying and saying I was disappointed as I felt that I had really made sacrifices for us and he didn’t love me…. he turned around and said the most insightful thing I’d ever heard him say ” do you think I don’t love you or want to be with you, I know you slept with ****, I know you have a past… if I didn’t want to be with you I’d have ended it time ago” 

When those words left his mouth I died inside. I was embarrassed, ashamed, broken all at the same time. When you love someone, you always want them to feel proud and happy that they are  with you. I kept imagining how he felt when people spoke to him about me. 

To be honest- I lost my confidence and self worth after he told me that. I never felt strong enough to speak my mind after that. And I stared to feel like “woow this man must really love you to stick around after people have spoken negatively about you”.

So when we had arguments or issues I became unable to voice how I felt because I was scared he would tell me more stuff he had heard about me, so I kept shut- I became a door mat and I became eager to please him in any way I could- to try and show him I was a good person, despite what he may have heard. And in all honesty it became an emotional and mentally abusive thing he held over me. I think if I’m honest with myself, I felt after that it wouldn’t work but I held on, like I always do, I wasn’t strong enough to walk away. I depended on him too much. 

Maybe he has a complex about it too because sometimes he would randomly ask me  if I had fucked random mutual people we knew of Instagram- sometimes he would say I know your speaking to someone else and then when I’d say I’m not he would say, watch then- he’d then start rapidly texting or calling someone and say I’m going to send you he screen shots. I would sit there and say ok then I’m waiting- and then he’d go to sleep whilst I waited for him to produce the evidence. Nothing ever materialised, but it made me very paranoid about speaking to anyone as I didn’t want my actions or words to be misconstrued. I stopped talking to both female and male friends. Stopped going out- I really lost myself trying to show him I was trust worthy and honest. Not knowing he was fucking others behind my back. 

Once he had told me that, that night, we slept, both woke up in the morning and then I dropped us both at my work place- he left my car and we hugged and he walked away from me. One of the buggiest memories I have is of him walking away from me. I’ll never forget the feelings of the dread desperation and fear I’d suffer when he would walk away from me, and not even turn back. It’s used to kill me. So I had to go into work with clients waiting for me, expecting a chirpy professional. 

My first client came into my office- within 5 minutes I excused her and my colleague came in and asked me if I was ok, I said I’m not and proceeded to sob my heart out. My heart had walked out of my life like I don’t matter. And I’m at work pretending that I’m fine. I just couldn’t do it- that became a routine at work- holding back the tears, anxiety and pain. 

“…..and daughters are their mothers” 

I guess if sons are their fathers- then daughters must be their mothers. 

I’ve never really gotten on with my mother. From a very young age I lived with a white British family, from maybe 2 months to school age at around 5. 

So my first mother figure wasn’t actually my mum. It wasn’t  even an African/Nigerian person, it was a white British woman who looked nothing like me- but she showered me with love and care. And at 5, the age your meant to start full time education I went to live back with my birth mother. It was a culture shock!! My British family were loving, affectionate, caring and soft, my mum was a harsh, aggressive, loud disciplinarian. I hated living with her and desperately wanted to go back to living with my British family. 

The earliest menomries I have of my mum is a woman who always worked. She had 2 jobs, a career at night and I’m actually not sure what her day job was. But my mum was the main bread winner of the family- she brought in the money and my dad was a student. He worked, but part time and his focus was the studying. 

I also remember the beating my dad would give my mum. My dad would fight my mum like he was fighting a man- she’d fight back though- but my dad was a tall athletic man. He would break furniture on her, she’d be bleeding. My dad was callous with it. Even if me and my siblings were there- he was unbothered. 

Maybe a year later, my dad left for Nigeria and I rarely saw him. But they remained married- he cheated on her and produced 2 sons, but she stayed. Always stayed. I think she was embarrassed to leave, embarrassed.i also think she didn’t want any other woman reaping what she felt she’d sewn. But for all intent and purposes, she was a single mum- my dad didn’t help financially, mentally or physically. She may have not been divorced legally but there marriage ended when he left when I was 6. 

Fundamentally I feel that I am my mothers daughter because I have stayed in fruitless relationship which I know are sinking but I refuse to bail because of a warped sense of loyalty. I become the main care giver in relationships, neglecting my needs and hoping and praying my needs will be fulfilled- knowing they won’t be- but staying anyway. Believing a woman’s role in a relationship is to endure- to sacrifice, to compromise on every last standard I had, until I have no standards at all and I am left with no voice. 

My mum called my dad once and his mistress responded – maybe I was 13/14. She responded by informing my mum she was the mrs and they proceedd to argue over who was my dads wife. Eventually my dad told my mum he was taking a second wife. My mum begged, and begged, and begged. And I would do the same throughout my relationship- even though he cheated on me, even though he got someone else pregnant and she was keeping the baby I would end up begging him, just as my mum did my dad. 

When I would tell my friends about his baby situation and they would look at me baffled why I stayed- I’d proudly say my dad had kids outside of his relationship with my mother- it’s not the end of the world- knowing full well that the news had destroyed the world I was living in at the time. I took time off work, got prescribed antidepressants yet I was still fooling myself it wasn’t the end of the world- oh yes it was. I just didn’t accept it. 

I would cry, I would plead as if my life depended on it, please don’t leave me. I don’t know really why I begged like that but  I could not eat or function unless we were together. He’d maybe blank me for a few days and then just when I’m starting to consider whether he is worth it- he’d come back into my life like he’d never left. I learnt to beg like that from my mum. I learnt how to fiiercly guard my man- didn’t matter whether he was a good man, didn’t matter whether he broke my heart repeatedly, I learnt how to guard a man before I guard my own heart through my mother. And I suspect she learnt that from her mother- my granddad had 3 wife’s but my mum’s mum was the favourite- the only one he lived with and died with. I’m sure my grandmother stood guard. 

So I guess daughters are thier mothers…. however much they might not agree. 

“Sons are their fathers” 

When we were together, he never spoke much about his parents. I used to try and encourage him to talk to me but he was just a really private person. 

But I really wanted to get to know him, I had this vision of us having a child together and him (God forbid) dying suddenly and our child one day asking me ” what was daddy like, tell me some stories about him” and me just staring, all puzzled because I actually didn’t know anything about him, his childhood, his parents, his life. Imagine that- no tales to pass on about dadddy. 

Slowly but surely he started to open up, not very much. But it was all really organic. Maybe we was watching a TV programme and something would trigger a remark. 

He told me how his dad loved women, how his dad had even had sex with a girl when they were in a hotel sharing a room. Women had always been a vice to his dad. I said to him, your like your dad. He laughed and said no im not, I said yes you are. The only difference between him and his father was that his dad didn’t try to hide it, he was unapologetically a cheat and he owned it. He didn’t really try to hide it. But He was not, he was quiet,a reserved cheat, to the extent that he didn’t even feel that he related to his dad. But they were one of the same. Imagine being a child and seeing the pain that cheating caused your mum, to your family and saying to yourself I will not do the same- and actually growing up to repeat the cycle with ease, like a pro. 

If there was one thing I really didn’t want was as cheating man- but if I was to get one, I wanted an apologetic one. Not one who doesn’t even feel they are a cheat. I got neither. 

Sons are their fathers. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.