17.09.2018- letter to my ex.

What can I say, that I haven’t expressed to you. I never in my life loved a man the way I loved you. With no shame, with no conditions, fiercely, with such hunger and need. It’s not something I tell my friends- I know they don’t want to hear about us, or you. They nurses me through some turbulent times which they won’t forgive you for – but I’ve forgiven you.

Because I can’t say that I love you truly, and deeply if I haven’t forgiven you.

But I accept that we will never be together. I love you but your betrayal cut just al little to deep, the shame just a little to public and the fallout just a bit too deep.

Even after things ended and u made it clear u didn’t want me- I held my breathe for months thinking you’d be back for me. Xmas 2017 came and went and I didn’t hear from you. I now know you spent it with ur new family.

I know you think maybe there is a way we will be together, but I know deep down our ship has sailed.

The shame and embarrassment, my shattered ego, my fragile mental state. You did nothing to soothe my broken heart, u did nothing to help me heal.

I realise now, relationships are NOT just about love and happiness- love is volatile, and so is happiness.

Our love was crazy, dramatic, deceitful, manipulative, happy, sorrowful, needy but it was never peaceful. Peace never reigned in our relationship.

And that’s what I need but that’s not what our love can ever be.

You will always be the boy who I loved boundlessly and with no boundaries.

But our love was dangerous and all consuming, and selfish.

I need peace.


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