In my younger years I partied quite a bit. My best friend loved to party and I was her side kick. I’d say I’m quite cute and men fawned over me and I loved the attention. I dated quite a bit and dabbled slightly in drugs and drink. But I kinda stopped going out when I hit 25/26.
By my own admission I made mistakes and made some poor choices/decisions of the men I dated. I think back then, I had issues with loneliness and to occupy my time I just dated ( but that’s a story for a different post!)
At the begging of our relationship I was always quite bold, I was always quite opinionated and forthright. I voiced how I felt about the relationship and didn’t filter. I wasn’t really happy.
We were really quite different, ihadnt really dated anyone so quiet and it made me feel quite unsure of myself. I was used to men who were overly affectionate, opinionated and loud like me. I had always been with men who were quite vocal so I knew exactly where I stood. But with him he was always so quiet- we never really argued because he was just mute during confrontations.
We broke up a few times in our relationship but during this particular break up it went very differently. This was before the baby. Oct 2016
We were in my house, on my bed and I think I was crying and saying I was disappointed as I felt that I had really made sacrifices for us and he didn’t love me…. he turned around and said the most insightful thing I’d ever heard him say ” do you think I don’t love you or want to be with you, I know you slept with ****, I know you have a past… if I didn’t want to be with you I’d have ended it time ago”
When those words left his mouth I died inside. I was embarrassed, ashamed, broken all at the same time. When you love someone, you always want them to feel proud and happy that they are with you. I kept imagining how he felt when people spoke to him about me.
To be honest- I lost my confidence and self worth after he told me that. I never felt strong enough to speak my mind after that. And I stared to feel like “woow this man must really love you to stick around after people have spoken negatively about you”.
So when we had arguments or issues I became unable to voice how I felt because I was scared he would tell me more stuff he had heard about me, so I kept shut- I became a door mat and I became eager to please him in any way I could- to try and show him I was a good person, despite what he may have heard. And in all honesty it became an emotional and mentally abusive thing he held over me. I think if I’m honest with myself, I felt after that it wouldn’t work but I held on, like I always do, I wasn’t strong enough to walk away. I depended on him too much.
Maybe he has a complex about it too because sometimes he would randomly ask me if I had fucked random mutual people we knew of Instagram- sometimes he would say I know your speaking to someone else and then when I’d say I’m not he would say, watch then- he’d then start rapidly texting or calling someone and say I’m going to send you he screen shots. I would sit there and say ok then I’m waiting- and then he’d go to sleep whilst I waited for him to produce the evidence. Nothing ever materialised, but it made me very paranoid about speaking to anyone as I didn’t want my actions or words to be misconstrued. I stopped talking to both female and male friends. Stopped going out- I really lost myself trying to show him I was trust worthy and honest. Not knowing he was fucking others behind my back.
Once he had told me that, that night, we slept, both woke up in the morning and then I dropped us both at my work place- he left my car and we hugged and he walked away from me. One of the buggiest memories I have is of him walking away from me. I’ll never forget the feelings of the dread desperation and fear I’d suffer when he would walk away from me, and not even turn back. It’s used to kill me. So I had to go into work with clients waiting for me, expecting a chirpy professional.
My first client came into my office- within 5 minutes I excused her and my colleague came in and asked me if I was ok, I said I’m not and proceeded to sob my heart out. My heart had walked out of my life like I don’t matter. And I’m at work pretending that I’m fine. I just couldn’t do it- that became a routine at work- holding back the tears, anxiety and pain.