Heart breaking…. isn’t really the word. Feeling numb, has become the norm. I really thought that all theses years being apart ( ended in 2017) all of the relationships I’ve been in, my travels for a fresh start in the UAE- haven’t brought me the peace I have been craving.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as devastating, I’m able to function. I’ve been able to move forward with my life, but whenever I have been strong and felt like my head is healing- he comes back around. I fall back in love and then he leaves and we do the cycle again. He leaves everything ambiguous so I don’t know wether he likes or loves me. But that’s enough to keep me holding on even though I attempt to move forward.
And then we meet up (2 weeks ago) and I say I’m ready for us not to speak and he should leave me alone. He asks what I really want and I say he should leave me alone. For the first time in years I can see he is desperate, it’s probably the first time that I have made it clear that I’m kinda over this cycle of us seeing, intimacy but then it not actually being a thing. I’m over the heart break all of the time.
He said he wanted us to start afresh, get to know eachother- I’m not interested- we have known each other for over 6 years, he had a baby with someone else, we pretty much lived with eachother…. if we don’t know eachother now then what really are we looking for.
Anyways we had sex ( no condom). I did say I would need money for the morning after pill. But it never got bought.
He spoke with me candidly about all he was doing and experiencing. And it was the first time he told me he didn’t wanna settle. It caught me off guard as for years he said we would be together. I’m too old to wait, I’ve waited long enough.
I think I’ve proved myself. So it’s really done. And to reiterate that I’ll be changing my number.
Once that’s done he won’t be able to get back in touch with me. And it’s scary for me to cut off someone who I love so much, but when that love isn’t reciprocated what is left to do.
I know he has love for me- but not enough to be the man I need. He is no longer the man I want. I really hope I’m brave enough to go through with this.
It may plunge me into the depth of depression, but I’m tired of living in the delusion that he will come back on a white horse and whisk me away. I’m tired of secretly hoping every private or unknown number is him. It’s a double edged sword