years later and we are still here

Since our break up we have maintained contact. I still longed for him in a way he didn’t long for me….

I moved to the UAE to start a new life, but soon after being there I realised it wasn’t just for me. But I gained strength and was able to reflect on how my behaviour contributed in the demise of the relationship. I was able to understand where I had gone wrong and amplify the negative traits I had.

I was doing really well when I got back- I still loved and needed him but I understood we wouldn’t be a good match and I would always feel I wasn’t enough for him.

Then my dad passed ( not covid related) and that spun me into a world of loneliness- we wernt close but it was still a loss- u don’t think your parents will ever die… well not until they are really old.

He used that as a way of sending his condolences and wanting to see me. I relented… we ended up spending 2 weeks together… it was good- he opened up to me in a way that he had never before. I felt a change in him… I think that change stems from him realising I’m ready to let him go.

He was open and honest and for the first time he said he didn’t ever see himself settling down- he was kids but doesn’t want to be married. That was a humble shock for me. For the last 4 years he has always told me I should be patient and in later life things would happen. It felt like a loss all over again but something I was finally ready to accept. I’m 32 now, no kids, I want to have a child with someone who believe in monogamy.

I thanked him for finally being honest as it was the first step of me really moving on. I have always allowed his silence on not addressing things, meant that I was able to assume or make up what it meant. But you can’t really argue with a man saying he doesn’t want to be married or settle. He said he was still young (he is also 32). He is partying in South Africa, Amsterdam, Lagos etc. He is living a rock and roll (or hip hop) life style.

I know what it was dating him when he was stable and had no money and I already felt pushed out. Them times he was at least pretending to settle.

So I blocked him. From what’s app, on my iPhone… from everything. And then a few days later my period calendar notified me “ your 3 days late… have u forgot to mark your period on your app” did a test …… postive. 5 years later, I’m having an abortion for the same man. And 5 years on we are still no where. Anyways I’ve skipped lots of chapters in this. I’ve not posted in years. I’m better… still broken tho. But I will go back in history and bring you up to speed of what happened in my life.

Thanks for sticking around x

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