” a murderer will kill you, a thief will steal from you, but you’ll never know where you stand with a liar….”

I just cannot stop thinking. Most of the day is consumed with thoughts of him. I’ll be at work talking to a client, mid conversation and start thinking of him and then I’ll become all confused and completely have to start again. I keep thinking my clients must think, who is this dumb girl, but they smile through the consultation, as eager as I am for it to finish and for us both to go home. 

I think I’m doing better, I’m accepting it then I feel a moment of dread and I remember that he doesn’t want me. 

How can someone I gave my heart to, my life, my love, my finances just walk out of my life without even a glance back. Without even checking that I’m ok. 

When we first met I didn’t have much savings. I think I had about £1500 but I never told him. He would ask me to borrow him £1000 here and at times I was borrowing this man my whole life savings. Everything I had I gave to him, when I was paid ,  towards the end of our relationship, he had some serious cash flow problems. I would give him money on my pay day to support him.. I would forgo buying clothes, buying Brazilian hair and making extravagant purchases because I was lending/giving him quite a bit of money. I borrowed him money to pay his rent, help his family etc. 

I cannot believe he knows all of the ways I’ve supported him and he can turn his back on me. 

I used to say to him, I don’t need your money, I can support myself, heck if need be I can support you too- I just need your loyalty, honesty and emotional support. I said, there is nothing in this world I won’t forgive you for if your honest with me, boy you know it, I love you too much to not forgive you for your mistakes- but I just need you to be honest. 

I prayed to God, lord- give me a loyal man, lord please give me a loyal man, but if you can’t give me that please give me an honest man- give me a man that won’t lie to my face, give me a man that when the shit hits the fan, he will be honest with me because he cannot bare to loose me over a lie, he cannot bare to lie sweetly to my face. Loosing me over a lie is something he is not prepared to do. 

He has kissed me and my body, with the same sweet mouth he has lied to me with. He has stared me dead in the eyes with those beautiful dark eyes, and lied lied lied. 

I’m not saying I never ever lie, but in relationships I believe they are built on truth, sometimes painful truth, but with honesty comes redemption, with redemption maturity and trust. I have such fear about him finding out I’d lied to him that I was always honest when he asked me anything, yes sometimes it was embarrassing and I felt shame- but a liar was something he could never call me….

A murderer will kill you, a thief will steal from you but you’ll never know where you stand with a liar 

I repeatedly said, please don’t make a fool out of me, please don’t lie, I can never forget him saying “come on baby, i would never”. And I was satisfied- because why would someone I had been there for betray me again, he knew he’d broken my heart- he wouldn’t do it again. No one can be that callous. Can they? Right? 

He could have walked away- I made it clear our relationship was a choice, but there was no half having him, half not- if he wants me fine, but he doesn’t fine. I wish he’d just walked away, I wish he’d been selfless enough to have walked away from me. And I wish he’d have had the heart to say sorry for what he has put me through. 

I’m somebody’s daughter too. 

6 thoughts on “” a murderer will kill you, a thief will steal from you, but you’ll never know where you stand with a liar….”

  1. This hit home for me. My husband lied to me a lot in the first years of our relationship. He also cheated on me. He didn’t bother trying to lie out of that he knew that was a deal breaker. Yes he is my husband and we worked it out a great deal of time later. But only because we have a no lie policy. He is still years after we married earning that trust back. I refuse to be with anyone that lies to me. He’s told me the truth so far all this time. At least he doesn’t show the signs of lying that he did before. Keep faith and hang in there. It took me four serious relationships with liars and thieves to find one willing to straighten up and be a man for my family. You will too!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s really hard as I haven’t had anybody lie on such a grand scale and so publicly. I’m hoping and praying things get better emotionally and this will be an experience to learn from! Thank you for your comment x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am truly sorry that you have to experience such a terrible act. However, I promise it will get better, you will move past it, and you will take knowledge away from the situation. That’s the beautiful part of life. Everything is a learning experience

        Liked by 1 person

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